Happy Holidays

[bruce buntain <bbuntain@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

Greetings all and Happy Holidays

I hope that everyone received lots of Mopar goodies in their stockings and in presents under their trees. After all, Santa drives a mean sled, so he's gotta be a car guy, right? Everyone knows that the reindeer are just for show and he really has a 426 Hemi under the cowl of that sled.

This is a little off the topic of Mopars, but I've sent this to a couple of members of our group and they have suggested that I post it for all to see, so as any politician would say, "Don't blame me!"

Just as some background, I have been living in Asia for the past eleven years but get back home to Nova Scotia for approximately 16 weeks per year. I am currently in Beijing, China, so this is from that perspective. I compose one of these "poems" (to use the word very loosely) every Christmas Eve and send it to everyone on my e-address list. This is a little late now, but here goes.

Bruce, '64 Chrysler 300

T’was the Night Before Christmas
 
T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse.
Her stockings are draped over the shower stall wall
While I sit on the throne and reflect on it all.
 
 It’s now been ten years since I first came to this place,
Mao’s own private version of the human rat race.
Still, Christmas has again arrived in this atheist nation
With streets all festooned with Xmas decoration.
 
It’s been another year down, with another year looming,
Time doesn’t creep here, it’s really been zooming.
This past year saw some hassles, some things cast a pall,
And dealing with my visa is at the head of it all.
 
Way back in June, I thought I should start my submission,
Of the new visa form which would give me permission
To first exit, then re-enter after going home for vacation
‘Cause I need my usual Z visa just to exist in this nation.
 
Paperwork problems and government red (of course) tape,
Can often leave foreigners here with mouths all agape.
If you mess up your application, you’re summarily fined,
I filled out my forms, a new school contract was signed. 
 
But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years here,
What should be just routine, gives you plenty to fear.
The school made mistakes and there were several omissions,
And apparently there were also some brand new conditions.
 
So, instead of my usual Z visa, all I could get was an “L”
Which turned out to be the Chinese ‘visa from hell’!
They said not to worry, wait ‘til the end of the summer,
But what followed in September was a bit of a bummer.
 
They said I had to get a new medical just to say I’m alive,
Then produce a new bank statement to see if I thrive.
A new Foreign Expert Certificate would show I’m legit,
A new resume, etc. made me think I might quit.
 
After six months of frustration, I almost told them to “Stick it!”
But could now finally step up to the government wicket.
The minion shouted her instructions, like bullets they came,
She wanted the documents, she called out their name.
            “Now application, now contract,
            Now Foreign Expert and medical forms,
            On statements, on medical,
            On picture and work permit norms.
To the top of the files, to the top of your case,
Now dash away, dash away, get outta my face!” 
 
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
I tore out of that building and I gave out a cry,
“Yes, it’s done, thank the gods!” Now I just wait,
I should have my Z visa on December twenty-eight.
 
In other big news that’s been happening this year,
We’ve got the increase in traffic, ‘tis gridlock, I fear.
The resulting air quality means you feel grit in your teeth,
And the smog circles your head like a funeral wreath.
 
Three thousand new cars registered each single day,
Three thousand new drivers to get in your way.
Beijing announced new regulations that have created a panic,
And to beat the coming deadline, buyers turned manic. 
 
They flood into dealerships, they buy anything there,
Make, model, color, they don’t really care.
A bundle of cash they have flung on their back,
They hunt for a salesman, they open their pack.
 
Take out their bundles of yuan, they pay with all cash,
Checks here are unknown, so they save up their stash.
Buy whatever’s available, drive their new car out the door,
But with all these new drivers, no wonder safety is poor.
 
They ignore all the driving rules in this car-crazy nation,
I suppose 100,000 yearly deaths helps to control population.
Mercedes, BMWs, Audis and such
But Ferraris and Lambos are just a little bit much.
 
We had what turned out to be a bit of an air quality break,
But with Olympics now over, air quality reports are now fake.
We’ve had a few days of air quality that the government called “poor”
But it looks more like nuclear fallout when I look out the back door.
 
I drive my car less than I used to, due to the traffic situation,
My Yamaha now serves me as my main transportation.
Thursday saw the temperature down to -12 in the morning,
But I still drove the bike in spite of the cold warning.
 
But still, I’ve survived yet another year here,
And what’s going to happen in still one more year
Is something I’ll worry about later, as I’m only human,
But then, I’m worry free, like Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Newman.
 
So now I’ll spring to my bed, give my sweetie a nudge,
And under the covers, ‘til the morning won’t budge.
But I want to convey this message before I dive out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”


 		 	   		  
--
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]


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