This just has to be forwarded. . .
> "Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her. I banged her
like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica
Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't
been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are
the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a
little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl
Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I
do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping
gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the
President.
> "So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files,
smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the
White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold
the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that
entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. "Six years ago, there's not a
man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But,
you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part.
Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time
resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb
his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the
office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with.
> "There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,
smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon
before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of
'plausible deniability,' and got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his
crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war
criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange.
And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around
long enough for
America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared
by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.
> "Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo
here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is
balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a
fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so
low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock
market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone
with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough
money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where
his or her next meal is coming from.
> "Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker
showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your
daughter ... unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then
I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today
and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where
I'm parking the Presidential limousine. Thank you, good night and God
bless America."
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